Refresh

I feel slightly nauseous.  I’ve gorged myself on other people’s moaning and sadness. I’ve lurked and scrolled but I’ve not connected.  Not had a meaningful conversation with someone I consider a friend.  I’ve said a few things, but I’ve been ignored.  I don’t feel good about myself, but I can’t stay away, I keep checking back, just in case.  I flick listlessly from one app to the next in an endless loop, refreshing and refreshing, searching fruitlessly for validation.

I’m only doing it because I’m bored.  Not that it’s a cure for boredom.  Far from it.  After a day spent constantly refreshing, the boredom is now undercut by a faint self-loathing.  I know it’s not good for me, but I can’t seem to stop myself.

I’m lonely too.  The acute loneliness felt when in a crowd.  I’m not just on my own, but I’m not connecting.  The nasty little gremlin in my brain called paranoia, tells me I’m excluded.

I need to switch off.

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26 comments
  1. Emily said:

    Gosh. How odd. This is my day exactly today. I nearly DM’ed you earlier just to say “hello, fancy a chat. I’m having a rubbish day and need some mindless distraction” Not that you’re mindless of course, but y’know what I mean x
    So many times I’ve thought I should should just stop looking but don’t. A wise woman once said (PB) it’s like opening the fridge when you’re bored, hoping something has changed. x

    • Victoria said:

      You are ALWAYS welcome to do that. Seriously.

  2. I found a spot of time travelling cured that right off. I recognise the feeling. Sympathy.

    • Victoria said:

      I definitely find being busy helps. Today I’ve been working and silversmithing, two things which make me happy.

  3. Aw…love. I know that feeling too, those damn gremlins do get around don’t they. I have no doubt at all, that you are valued, appreciated and loved by many. It’s just that sometimes we get caught up in our own dramas and forget to tell people that we are thinking of them. I hope you feel better soon. x Kay

    • Victoria said:

      I feel a bit of a fraud now, I’m actually feeling good today, I was writing about other times. But thank you.

  4. I have days like this and like Emily today was one for me. I think having the boys home didn’t help. I need to get a life. A real one!

    Well written and certainly evocative of how I feel

    • Victoria said:

      I’m glad to see that today was better :)

  5. I sometimes have these days too. And I know the worst thing I can possibly do is lurk in the background pressing refresh refresh refresh but I just can’t help myself. It’s a terrible affliction. My only consolation is that this feeling often disappears as quickly as it appeared. I hope that’s the case for you too x

    • Victoria said:

      I think all of us who are ‘good’ at twitter (addicts) must have days like this, I can’t see how you couldn’t.

  6. I know this feeling, highs and lows of online, I think you’re spot on with focussing on doing what you love. Refresh never delivers what you want but I too am disappointed in my hope! Claire xx

    • Victoria said:

      Getting outside always does me good. I like having a dog at these moments.

  7. Julie said:

    Been there, done that!
    ((hugs))

    • Victoria said:

      Perhaps I should print a tshirt!

  8. chezmummy said:

    I have days like this too. I think (hope) everyone does. Whenever I find this happening, I try to stay away and concentrate on having dedicated, fun time with my family. Always helps to refresh me

    • Victoria said:

      Same here, that’s very good advice!

  9. A group of us were talking about this on twitter the other night – this strange feeling that it was becoming harder work, or quieter, or moanier, or less interaction, or something.

    • Victoria said:

      I think it’s just that it becomes too much.

  10. Yep, I know this feeling. I’m so often surprised at the extreme feelings of both connection/ disconnection being online can produce.

    • Victoria said:

      I know exactly what you mean.

  11. Kelly said:

    You captured this perfectly. I have taken to leaving my phone in another room when I get like this.

    • Victoria said:

      I do that too. If it’s in my pocket, I can’t help myself.

  12. My goodness, there are a lot of us out there. You describe the feeling of being alone in an online crowd so well. I want to switch off completely, but can’t quite manage it. So I lurk and join in occasionally. Then I have a good day. I hope you’ve had a good day too.

    • Victoria said:

      I don’t see how you could spend a lot of time online and not feel like that sometimes. I find it hard to completely switch off too.

  13. Sorry – only just discovered your blog, hence all the late comments. But I feel like this so very often. You captured it brilliantly.

    • Victoria said:

      Late comments are still good! Thank you.

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