I feel slightly nauseous. I’ve gorged myself on other people’s moaning and sadness. I’ve lurked and scrolled but I’ve not connected. Not had a meaningful conversation with someone I consider a friend. I’ve said a few things, but I’ve been ignored. I don’t feel good about myself, but I can’t stay away, I keep checking back, just in case. I flick listlessly from one app to the next in an endless loop, refreshing and refreshing, searching fruitlessly for validation.
I’m only doing it because I’m bored. Not that it’s a cure for boredom. Far from it. After a day spent constantly refreshing, the boredom is now undercut by a faint self-loathing. I know it’s not good for me, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
I’m lonely too. The acute loneliness felt when in a crowd. I’m not just on my own, but I’m not connecting. The nasty little gremlin in my brain called paranoia, tells me I’m excluded.
I need to switch off.